I waited days before asking to be placed in a more comfortable sleeping room during the upcoming mindfulness retreat. I don't know why I am so embarrassed about wanting the extra comfort. I barely make it through these long sits. Without a firm bed, quiet, warmth, and a hot bath (all of which = sleep), back pain will overtake my best effort to meditate.
The stronger medications make me sleepy- a deadly state in the dark and silent zendo. Laying down creates a ruckus, plus everyone else is hurting, too. We all set aside creature comfort in the zendo during these days of meditation. It helps us leave behind our worldly realities, and enter more spiritual ones. We support each other by sticking with it.
Carmen was so understanding, and said that she gets requests like this all the time. I know that. So why am I having such a guilt glitch? (pick one) A) I am ashamed of my weakness, B) I am ashamed of pampering myself, C) I think I have no business even being in this retreat with strong youngbloods, D) I live on the edge of doubt all the time anyway. It's what I do.
I have NO doubt about the good that comes from these retreats. What would my life be like if I had never begun this practice? I know exactly what Roshi would say if I asked him this. "Is all that doubt getting you anywhere?" and "Go sit with that."
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
A Hell of a Choice
A big decision is hanging over my head. Several months ago, I cleared my body of several medications: hormones, and certain drugs in the pain cocktail. I felt the latter were robbing me of the full spectrum of emotions that are my navigational aids, plus my piddling little bit of organizational ability, distractable as I am.
The hormones are back, that was a no-brainer. The cost/benefit ratio there weighs far in favor of using. I do believe I have outlived my evolutionary life span, and the extra years science has afforded me are much better with hormones on board. It took no time at all to figure that out.
The other drugs are the problem. I am of course now in much more pain, very fatigued, and often addled. Ironically, the fatigue is not relieved by sleep, because I can't sleep long, due to the pain. In this diary, I write about spiritual issues, but there are of course, the physical ones as well. "I am not an animal, but I AM using one for transportation."
I would like to think I am emptying in response to a spiritual call, but the horrible thought has occurred to me that it might be because I have no choice.
Drugged (relative) comfort vs clear-minded suffering. For those of us enduring chronic pain, it's a hell of a choice.
The hormones are back, that was a no-brainer. The cost/benefit ratio there weighs far in favor of using. I do believe I have outlived my evolutionary life span, and the extra years science has afforded me are much better with hormones on board. It took no time at all to figure that out.
The other drugs are the problem. I am of course now in much more pain, very fatigued, and often addled. Ironically, the fatigue is not relieved by sleep, because I can't sleep long, due to the pain. In this diary, I write about spiritual issues, but there are of course, the physical ones as well. "I am not an animal, but I AM using one for transportation."
I would like to think I am emptying in response to a spiritual call, but the horrible thought has occurred to me that it might be because I have no choice.
Drugged (relative) comfort vs clear-minded suffering. For those of us enduring chronic pain, it's a hell of a choice.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
There is pain, but there does not have to be suffering.
Today was filled with a lot of physical pain. The usual. The pain days are pretty much the same, but my reaction differs, which makes it a different experience each time. I needed to be very busy, so the pain was in the way. I did not devote the time or mindfulness to lean into it, to accept it. Unlike my cousin, I was not willing to be present to it.
Because of this it has utterly exhausted me. It is like working hard and trying to move fluently while carrying a heavy chain wrapped all around my body. This was a day where not only was there pain, but also suffering. Upon reflection, I could have suffered less.
Because of this it has utterly exhausted me. It is like working hard and trying to move fluently while carrying a heavy chain wrapped all around my body. This was a day where not only was there pain, but also suffering. Upon reflection, I could have suffered less.
