Working with Hindrances

I notice that when I label posts, I have many that are labeled "hindrances." I have been contemplating the term hindrance instead of "sin." I don't know if the Buddhist terminology would have resonated earlier in my life, but it does now. Sin is a list of things to avoid doing because they create separation between one and God. The open question is how to avoid sinning. I never got the answer, but I did go to a lot of confessions.

Hindrances are states of the body or mind that interfere with awareness. The Five Hindrances are: sensual desire, anger and ill-will, sloth and torpor, restlessness and worry, and skeptical doubt. States of body or mind are things I can work with.

For me, awareness is greatly facilitated by stillness, silence, and mindful activity. For me, the adrenaline junkie, stillness frees enough brain cells to pay attention to what my body and mind are experiencing. Guilt about sin operated in me much like static on the radio, making awareness difficult to impossible.

I am very motivated to address hindrances, for my direct experience is that as I address them, the rest (peace that surpasses understanding) is far more effortless than I ever thought possible.

Coffee and Mindfulness

Since I have added mindful work practice very intentionally to my meager sitting practice, I observe that caffeine is a hindrance. I notice I become harried due to the stimulant, especially when low blood sugar hits at the end of an effective dose.

Multitasking, the opposite of mindful work, is almost irresistible when under the influence of the disinhibiting caffeine. Multitasking stimulates adrenaline, a step up from caffeine as a stress-maker. The high from both multitasking and adrenaline are life-long addictions for me. Great fun while they last, but mindfulness killers which lead to reactivity and irritability. So eventually it is not just me that pays for my lovely high, but those around me, too. Do I ask them if they'd like to pay for my addiction?

I wonder what my life would have been like if I would have been motivated to do something about this earlier. Wondering about the past. Oh....not very zen.

Nothing to Say

I haven't been to Thursday night meditation since my silent retreat. I have nothing to say to Roshi, and don't quite have the energy to go over there and tell him I have nothing to say. Have never done that, though we are advised to do so.

Am also holding my breath lest the demon of contempt arise again now that I am visiting a church so I can have communion every Sunday. The demon wants to arise because the wonderful Vicar is leaving, and I have a pretty good idea why, and what will follow.

It seems impossible to attend church without attachment. And I cannot motivate myself to meditation without attachment. I feel back to square one today.

Efforts and Priorities

Getting ready to fly home after a hectic but satisfying visit with kids and grandkids. Gratitude abounds for the merciful weather and our very commodious rental house. Sweetest moment: chicken soup lovingly prepared for us with dietary needs in mind.

I am continuing to ponder keeping my efforts in line with my priorities. One of Roshi's first talks always echoes in my mind- "Do not work for your [busy, chaotic] brain; with discipline, your brain works for you.

It is a struggle to stay out of reactive mode when surrounded by busy-ness. What are my priorities? Nurture a resilient biology (1), maintain a spiritual center (2), so I can give energy to family relationships (3), and participate as it is possible in my immediate community (4).

When we arrive home we face a big new set of demands on our time, a parent with dementia. We must analyze how we are spending our time in light of our priorities, and will possibly have to set a few precedents as a consequence, such as hiring assistance. Also for me, more discipline about mindfulness. It's that or drugs, and I'm still choosing awareness over the drugs whenever it is possible.

Where is mu? I am swimming in it.

Focused Negative Attention

Home Depot saw the last of my business today, a fact which I expressed to the manager with a great deal of focused attention, and a serious lack of lovingkindness.

The second to the last transaction I had with Home Depot came only days ago, when I discovered that they have outsourced their carpet measuring services to a nationwide company based in Minneapolis. So on the third missed measure appointment, one discusses the problem with a person in Minneapolis who does not work for Home Depot, and with whom one will never speak again, because there are many such persons. Also, these persons are trained to blame the problem on Home Depot's salesperson, for whom they bear no responsibility. Likewise, the salesperson is trained blame the problem on the carpet measuring company in Minneapolis. A person living life entirely in the "now" who is trying to carpet a room could spend eternity in this feedback loop.

I am now doing business with a local company, where any future problems will be discussed with a person I have actually met face-to-face. The karmic sequence will probably not influence Home Depot to become a better place to shop during my remaining life expectancy, so I have moved one step further toward being a "locovore" in as much of my consuming as possible.

Just Leaves

Much more mu today: a very slow haircut, mindless work done mindfully at the retreat center (filing, etc.), a sunny drive with a friend to bring our other friend (recovering from the flu) some Jewish mother chicken soup and an applesauce cake.

Mu moment: clearing leaves from under the orange tree by hand. I noticed everything from crisp green leaves to wispy skeletons. No poetry, no interpretations, no similes or metaphors, just leaves. This is hard work for me.

NOT really Zen

After my retreat, I realized I need to actually plan a few more mindful activities in the day- a form of practice. Gardening!, I thought, since I love to do it and need to do it anyway. I'll just be more intentional about doing it mindfully.

Day 1- I prune carefully, and then handpick dead leaves one by one. Very mindful.
Day 2- I get out the Round-up and spray weeds, carefully- one at a time.

Mindfully poisoning the planet and killing beings, one at a time. I have a long way to go.

A Resilient Biology

"Building a resilient biology," is Marsha Linehan's reference to self-care that prepares one to weather emotional storms. Marsha hosted the Mindfulness Retreat I attended last week, and is the author of many books on mindfulness-based cognitive therapy.

In Zen, we practice focused attention, a difficult skill which opens the door to understanding the true nature of our existence (and for some, spiritual insight). Emotional storms disrupt attention, alright. I knew this.

But I love Marsha's turn of phrase "a resilient biology," for it differentiates from a brittle or reactive biological state, which in my experience does not support consciousness and presence. What creates a resilient biology? Excellent nutrition, adequate sleep, exercise, fresh air, and refraining from harmful substances, of course. It's the zen of taking care of yourself. This brings renewed purpose to my efforts at healthy living. It invites me to practice like Dogen's tenzo (the monastery cook), by giving focused attention to meals and meal preparation.

Love is a Decision

"Love is a decision, not a feeling."

I can see that it is good to let the clock and the calendar make the decision to spend time and activity together in order to stay connected in a relationship. Mood, tiredness, busyness, impulsiveness, basic incompatibility due to being individuals with different interests- these kinds of things get in the way of the intention to spend time together.

In our case, we have a better shot at it if we plan ahead in a clear moment, and then rely on the calendar, the clock, and whatever self-discipline we can muster. How are we doing? Not very well. We need a tune-up.

Scenarios

Winter has made me weary. I find I am thinking in scenarios. Today I will focus on just being in the experience of the moment, and not tie up my brain cells with scenarios. I will eat breakfast mindfully, go to work in my studio, visit my friend and her grandchild, go to my computer lesson, take my afternoon break. I will take note when I slip into scenario thinking, and when I do, I will bring my attention back to the moment. That is my intention for today.

Guilt Glitch

I waited days before asking to be placed in a more comfortable sleeping room during the upcoming mindfulness retreat. I don't know why I am so embarrassed about wanting the extra comfort. I barely make it through these long sits. Without a firm bed, quiet, warmth, and a hot bath (all of which = sleep), back pain will overtake my best effort to meditate.

The stronger medications make me sleepy- a deadly state in the dark and silent zendo. Laying down creates a ruckus, plus everyone else is hurting, too. We all set aside creature comfort in the zendo during these days of meditation. It helps us leave behind our worldly realities, and enter more spiritual ones. We support each other by sticking with it.

Carmen was so understanding, and said that she gets requests like this all the time. I know that. So why am I having such a guilt glitch? (pick one) A) I am ashamed of my weakness, B) I am ashamed of pampering myself, C) I think I have no business even being in this retreat with strong youngbloods, D) I live on the edge of doubt all the time anyway. It's what I do.

I have NO doubt about the good that comes from these retreats. What would my life be like if I had never begun this practice? I know exactly what Roshi would say if I asked him this. "Is all that doubt getting you anywhere?" and "Go sit with that."

Ready to Just Be

Back from a brief dalliance with the political. More emptying experiences.

I experienced a huge emotional outburst recently, which I have only today awakened to see as yet another emptying event. In it I spewed all of the things in my life that have made me angry for the last several years. It embarrassed the hell out of me because it was a moment of no self control. I thought it was just the result of a drug side effect, but today I have a new perspective on it.

I have been holding these things inside, trying to bargain with the devil to make them go away, trying to deny them. Everything but accept them and move on. It doesn't matter if a drug disinhibited me. The thoughts were there.

Several things have evolved as a result of this big catharsis. First, I see clearly the danger of harboring negative thoughts at all. Second, I feel ready to move on from the state of mind that created these thoughts. Third, I have been humbled by being out of control. Fourth, the thoughts cannot scare me any more, I do not have to hide from them. Fifth, I am experiencing a lightness from having "taken out the trash," and now I have more room in my mind for creative solutions to the problems I was holding onto.

I am getting ready for my four-day silent retreat. This will the first one I attend with no books, tapes, or other words of any kind. Perhaps a needle and thread for mindless handiwork,though my experience is that sleep fills most of the "free time." I feel ready for this. Ready for emptiness. Ready to just be.

A Hell of a Choice

A big decision is hanging over my head. Several months ago, I cleared my body of several medications: hormones, and certain drugs in the pain cocktail. I felt the latter were robbing me of the full spectrum of emotions that are my navigational aids, plus my piddling little bit of organizational ability, distractable as I am.

The hormones are back, that was a no-brainer. The cost/benefit ratio there weighs far in favor of using. I do believe I have outlived my evolutionary life span, and the extra years science has afforded me are much better with hormones on board. It took no time at all to figure that out.

The other drugs are the problem. I am of course now in much more pain, very fatigued, and often addled. Ironically, the fatigue is not relieved by sleep, because I can't sleep long, due to the pain. In this diary, I write about spiritual issues, but there are of course, the physical ones as well. "I am not an animal, but I AM using one for transportation."

I would like to think I am emptying in response to a spiritual call, but the horrible thought has occurred to me that it might be because I have no choice.

Drugged (relative) comfort vs clear-minded suffering. For those of us enduring chronic pain, it's a hell of a choice.

Strike One

OK, I went to church, and wherever I went, there I was. Strike one is this: I said I didn't like it when people had their coffee talk and then somehow identified themselves on the spectrum of Christianity.

That's exactly what I did when I e-mailed the pastor (vicar, in this case), to see about getting together with her. I identified both me and my husband with a label. Well, awareness is the first step, isn't it?

First Destruction, Then Reconstruction

Sadness abounds. I am doing my best to be patient with it. My studio is a shambles. It is like having something ripped from me, but this is the way I chose. I told my art buds today that something is knocking on my soul's door, and I don't know what it is. All I know is that I have to make room for whatever it is before I can open the door and let it in.

Yes, I know that sounds like Oprah, but is the whole truth of how I feel. I am motivated to get things back in order, with a new rule: if it doesn't have a place, I can't keep it. AND, I have removed a lot of the places. I am looking around me, and despite the million Ladies Home Journal and Martha Stewart magazine articles telling you how, I don't know a single person who is able to organize their (too many) things in a more orderly way. No matter how you do it, if you give up stuff, there is going to be loss. I will sit with this in the zendo on Thursday.

Wherever You Go, There You Are

(Post title borrowed from a book by Jon Kabat-Zin)

Two subjects: My upcoming visit to a new church, and my recent purges.

I can't wait to walk into a new church this Sunday with a new set of expectations. Then I will find out if the assortment of phonies, bigots, consumer Christians, and the offensive "Jesus Show" was really, after all, me. The target is mu. There is no difference between me and the target, and it will be through mastery of my own movement that I will create relationship with the Divine in a community setting. I am not skilled at this.

The Zen books are in paper bags at the doorway waiting a convenient trip down to the Zendo. I have read and assimilated them, and now they are an obstacle to my practice. I have not given up listening to the Chicago Zen Center, where the teacher is very articulate (Is this the "Zen Show?"). BUT, that is the extent of my current intellectual wanking with Zen.

I tried to tell Roshi about my recent in vitro enlightenments, but it was too late. The moments had passed. I could not recount them adequately, though he did acknowledge that I had seen the one side of mu- emptiness. So what the hell is the other side??

This weekend Jada (my long-time art bud and teacher) will come with her truck and strong back to divest me of much of my pottery crap, moving it to a new art center in which she is teaching. This will hurt, but it must be done.

Wherever I go, there will be a new, lighter (emptier) me. And this intention MUST be accompanied by action, because thoughts of whether and how to do this have themselves become burdensome.