I'm amused at myself for what I've been thinking about my recent purgings and ponderings. Do I not have a doctorate (ABD) in Aging and Human Development?
"Disengagement" was a trendy concept in aging studies, positing that the elderly gradually disengage from their connections and (dare I say) attachments in life. The theory did not hold up under research as it was construed by the arrogant youngbloods (and I was one of them). Yet it is obvious to me that as I grow older, what seemed so important when I was young and in the clutches of the biological imperative is not so important now . I am calling it zen, but really, spiritual evolution is the natural consequence of turning over lots of rocks and finding not much of lasting value under them.
Then there is Erickson's stage of "ego integrity vs despair" This hypothesis suggests that if my ego loses faith in it's capacity for developing order and meaning, I will be at risk for devolving into despair. Duh!
I might add that this task is a tall order in our fragmented culture, but I get it that creating order and meaning (even out of disorder and meaninglessness) is how we stare death in the face without fear. This job is my spiritual dissertation.
Now I am here in that time of life these theorists studied while they were still young. I can name and categorize these experiences as the theorists did, call them spiritual epiphanies, as I seem to be doing lately, or simply be in them. As it is , I do some of each, but today I am laughing at myself for eternally intellectualizing. It leads to spiritual vanity.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Monday, March 24, 2008
Rent-a-Grandma
Continuing to ponder my vision while in Dallas. What if I revisited my formerly very rewarding work of developing classes for kids? Talking to my artbuds today, I realize how worthwhile those classes were, and how much less self-centered than my current artistic outlets, fun though they are.
"The Life of a Frontier Girl" was probably the best course series I ever did. In it I passed on the sewing skills that my mother taught me, enabling me to make all of my clothing after about age 11. I wonder if I could retool this in a manner that would allow me to do less of the physical work. It would be like the grandmothers of previous generations. Their value was not in the labor of their backs but in their experiences.
As my practice turns to mindful work, this emerges as an idea to pursue. Better than useless house envy and wishing for things that cannot be.
"The Life of a Frontier Girl" was probably the best course series I ever did. In it I passed on the sewing skills that my mother taught me, enabling me to make all of my clothing after about age 11. I wonder if I could retool this in a manner that would allow me to do less of the physical work. It would be like the grandmothers of previous generations. Their value was not in the labor of their backs but in their experiences.
As my practice turns to mindful work, this emerges as an idea to pursue. Better than useless house envy and wishing for things that cannot be.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Inescapable Angst
We looked into the planned community with the world's seemingly biggest fitness center. It is near one of our children- a good investment on several counts, we thought. To have a house there might prevent the emergency move we had to make when my elderly parents both failed at once.
Wellstone is a community built around the golf course, the fitness center, and a wellness clinic founded by Dr. Kenneth Cooper. Already I was buying into the illusion when we drove in. I have lived long enough to be in that state where health is both a daily concern and a frequent hindrance.
The precise demographic to which these highly priced homes are targeted is obvious. It is the senior manager- still working but soon to retire. It is the dream and illusion of eternal youth and activity through radiant health and endless golf. Not an entirely bad dream, but for me, an empty one.
That's when we changed our focus onto the neighborhood of starter homes. There my illusion was one of less pretention to manage, and more involvement with simpler things in life. And what would those simpler things be? Shopping at Ikea, and raising kids. There I am in another illusion. Do I want to be there?
The only illusion I truly sought after this day was in one of the houses where I walked in and saw the kitchen with a huge island looking out at both the great room and the dining room. It provided the lovely illusion of a place my family could come and visit comfortably. But would they? Could they?
Unease set in, and has not left me, though we are back home in the desert, my kids are coming to visit in a few days, and my art buds await. It looks like this monk is going to have to come back for a few more lifetimes. Enlightenment does not appear to be just around the corner.
Wellstone is a community built around the golf course, the fitness center, and a wellness clinic founded by Dr. Kenneth Cooper. Already I was buying into the illusion when we drove in. I have lived long enough to be in that state where health is both a daily concern and a frequent hindrance.
The precise demographic to which these highly priced homes are targeted is obvious. It is the senior manager- still working but soon to retire. It is the dream and illusion of eternal youth and activity through radiant health and endless golf. Not an entirely bad dream, but for me, an empty one.
That's when we changed our focus onto the neighborhood of starter homes. There my illusion was one of less pretention to manage, and more involvement with simpler things in life. And what would those simpler things be? Shopping at Ikea, and raising kids. There I am in another illusion. Do I want to be there?
The only illusion I truly sought after this day was in one of the houses where I walked in and saw the kitchen with a huge island looking out at both the great room and the dining room. It provided the lovely illusion of a place my family could come and visit comfortably. But would they? Could they?
Unease set in, and has not left me, though we are back home in the desert, my kids are coming to visit in a few days, and my art buds await. It looks like this monk is going to have to come back for a few more lifetimes. Enlightenment does not appear to be just around the corner.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
The Monk Must Write
Have not stopped thinking about illusions since our recent trip to Dallas. Must write about the biggest fitness center I have EVER seen ( maybe the biggest in fact), and what it means. Is it a substitute for mother nature and the great outdoors, of which there is little in the Dallas area? Is it a giant cathedral to the god of youth and vigor? Is it's spaciousness a needed visual to combat the canyon-like streets with tall houses and little space between?
The whole place (the fitness center and its surrounding planned community) felt like a giant human-sized hamster cage. Except for the inefficiency of urban sprawl, I was oddly not offended. It is a best effort at providing a liveable environment for the dwellers of this young and industrious city. To get a visual, play the video: http://www.cooperlife.com/index.php?id=4&s=5
The deeper questions plague me though, as they always did when I was a suburban dweller. How does one find meaningful relationship around the communal industry of retail consuming? Especially now that our Birkenstocks are made in China.
I imagined myself out there living on one of those barren streets being a "rent-a-grandma" for the young mothers who have struck out to find their fortunes in Dallas and whose own mothers live far away. I have an ache in my heart for the brokenness of our culture, and a fear of both the illusions that serve as its band-aids, and our vulnerability to media-created ideologies.
The whole place (the fitness center and its surrounding planned community) felt like a giant human-sized hamster cage. Except for the inefficiency of urban sprawl, I was oddly not offended. It is a best effort at providing a liveable environment for the dwellers of this young and industrious city. To get a visual, play the video: http://www.cooperlife.com/index.php?id=4&s=5
The deeper questions plague me though, as they always did when I was a suburban dweller. How does one find meaningful relationship around the communal industry of retail consuming? Especially now that our Birkenstocks are made in China.
I imagined myself out there living on one of those barren streets being a "rent-a-grandma" for the young mothers who have struck out to find their fortunes in Dallas and whose own mothers live far away. I have an ache in my heart for the brokenness of our culture, and a fear of both the illusions that serve as its band-aids, and our vulnerability to media-created ideologies.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Now What?
Am pondering not writing for a while. Same deal as not reading. Just doing, no reflecting. We'll see how it goes.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
To "So Order Your Life"
Today I was talking to someone at the retreat center about my experience on the way to the zendo on Thursday. What I realize is that it is NOT the sitting that is hard, not the meditation, or disregarding the busy mind, oh no. These things are sometimes sweet relief.
The hardest part by far is to "so order your life," as to make time, save enough energy, and arrive at practice in a reasonably peaceful state for meditation. Meditation is not to be used as therapy or healing for a frazzled state of mind (though it often functions that way). Meditation is practice at having enough mental awareness to recognize, and enough control to release unnecessary drama, hyper-reactivity, and overstimulation in the culture that surrounds me.
I see that I repeat myself on this theme, and it is only because of how hard it is not only to have this insight again and again, but to remember to practice it daily. I see that there is a shift in my perception of meditation and mindful work and how these things operate as part of my practice.
The hardest part by far is to "so order your life," as to make time, save enough energy, and arrive at practice in a reasonably peaceful state for meditation. Meditation is not to be used as therapy or healing for a frazzled state of mind (though it often functions that way). Meditation is practice at having enough mental awareness to recognize, and enough control to release unnecessary drama, hyper-reactivity, and overstimulation in the culture that surrounds me.
I see that I repeat myself on this theme, and it is only because of how hard it is not only to have this insight again and again, but to remember to practice it daily. I see that there is a shift in my perception of meditation and mindful work and how these things operate as part of my practice.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Mindfulness Mash-up (Not!!!!)
Yesterday was a ludicrously busy day. My friend, who can work three times faster than anyone I know, came over to help me clean up my studio in its final phases of thinning and paring. I tried to keep up with her but had to rest several times. Then I drove home, did a few more things in a hurry, Papa came home from doing too many things, we scrambled out the door with our food in our hands, eating and driving at the same time- just five minutes too late- for mediation at the zendo. By that time I felt like this: http://bigego.com/index.php?page=video&display=693
(video courtesy of my daughter).
A mile into our drive, the ridiculousness hit me - living a day like that, then driving through heavy traffic inhaling food, in order to meditate. That is NOT making practice organic to my life. We turned around, got home and slowed ourselves down, considering how to pace ourselves in a more peace-generating manner.
(video courtesy of my daughter).
A mile into our drive, the ridiculousness hit me - living a day like that, then driving through heavy traffic inhaling food, in order to meditate. That is NOT making practice organic to my life. We turned around, got home and slowed ourselves down, considering how to pace ourselves in a more peace-generating manner.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Into Great Silence
I am almost speechless after spending the entire day watching this film and its accompanying features about the lives of Carthusian monks in France. To say it was a spiritual experience is a huge understatement.The cinematography alone would be enough to recommend it; the integrity of its method and message, as well. With no external sound track and only sparse, natural ambient sound (almost no dialogue), the film time-lapses a year in the centuries-old monastery, its monks, their lives and traditions. It has affected me very, very deeply.
A slow, quiet, and ponderous documentary, it brought sudden tears, a few laughs, and many gasps at its beauty and insight. The significance and impact of silence and solitude in cultivating the spiritual are illustrated magnificently here, with little romanticizing. And were there not one instance of enlightenment, the visual artistry of the movie is reason enough to watch every frame.
The movie is just the beginning, for the features on the 2nd disk kept adding layers and layers of meaning and inspiration. We made a day-long retreat of it, and it took us to a place of new and heightened awareness. We were amazed.
Preaching About Blogging
I caught myself preaching yesterday during the blogging "class" that our Vicar and I were teaching. Not very Zen. I couldn't help but extol the virtues of blogging as a ministry (as opposed to, say, a diary, a picture album, or a sales tool).
To illustrate, I only had to click on my "Blogs" toolbar button. Last week, my daughter's friends lost their precious 3 month-old to SIDS. Immediately the circle of caring friends expanded to hundreds through the use of a blog. This bereaved young couple could read entry upon entry of love and support at the end of their grueling days of preparation for the baby's funeral. Card can't get there in time, and that many phone calls would have been exhausting. Also, it brought together a huge community, whose members could share each other's sentiments at such an unspeakable event.
On another blog, my cousin journals about her battle with the return of breast cancer. Among her friends and family, there are over 1,600 entries. She wrote almost daily during chemotherapy, including how she gave her clumps of falling hair to the birds for nest-building. All who read this were blessed and in turn, prayed and sent our love. 1,600 phone calls or cards would have been daunting.
There is real community-building power in this medium, and I was happy to show this to folks who might have not experienced it.
To illustrate, I only had to click on my "Blogs" toolbar button. Last week, my daughter's friends lost their precious 3 month-old to SIDS. Immediately the circle of caring friends expanded to hundreds through the use of a blog. This bereaved young couple could read entry upon entry of love and support at the end of their grueling days of preparation for the baby's funeral. Card can't get there in time, and that many phone calls would have been exhausting. Also, it brought together a huge community, whose members could share each other's sentiments at such an unspeakable event.
On another blog, my cousin journals about her battle with the return of breast cancer. Among her friends and family, there are over 1,600 entries. She wrote almost daily during chemotherapy, including how she gave her clumps of falling hair to the birds for nest-building. All who read this were blessed and in turn, prayed and sent our love. 1,600 phone calls or cards would have been daunting.
There is real community-building power in this medium, and I was happy to show this to folks who might have not experienced it.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Working with Hindrances
I notice that when I label posts, I have many that are labeled "hindrances." I have been contemplating the term hindrance instead of "sin." I don't know if the Buddhist terminology would have resonated earlier in my life, but it does now. Sin is a list of things to avoid doing because they create separation between one and God. The open question is how to avoid sinning. I never got the answer, but I did go to a lot of confessions.
Hindrances are states of the body or mind that interfere with awareness. The Five Hindrances are: sensual desire, anger and ill-will, sloth and torpor, restlessness and worry, and skeptical doubt. States of body or mind are things I can work with.
For me, awareness is greatly facilitated by stillness, silence, and mindful activity. For me, the adrenaline junkie, stillness frees enough brain cells to pay attention to what my body and mind are experiencing. Guilt about sin operated in me much like static on the radio, making awareness difficult to impossible.
I am very motivated to address hindrances, for my direct experience is that as I address them, the rest (peace that surpasses understanding) is far more effortless than I ever thought possible.
Hindrances are states of the body or mind that interfere with awareness. The Five Hindrances are: sensual desire, anger and ill-will, sloth and torpor, restlessness and worry, and skeptical doubt. States of body or mind are things I can work with.
For me, awareness is greatly facilitated by stillness, silence, and mindful activity. For me, the adrenaline junkie, stillness frees enough brain cells to pay attention to what my body and mind are experiencing. Guilt about sin operated in me much like static on the radio, making awareness difficult to impossible.
I am very motivated to address hindrances, for my direct experience is that as I address them, the rest (peace that surpasses understanding) is far more effortless than I ever thought possible.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Coffee and Mindfulness
Since I have added mindful work practice very intentionally to my meager sitting practice, I observe that caffeine is a hindrance. I notice I become harried due to the stimulant, especially when low blood sugar hits at the end of an effective dose.
Multitasking, the opposite of mindful work, is almost irresistible when under the influence of the disinhibiting caffeine. Multitasking stimulates adrenaline, a step up from caffeine as a stress-maker. The high from both multitasking and adrenaline are life-long addictions for me. Great fun while they last, but mindfulness killers which lead to reactivity and irritability. So eventually it is not just me that pays for my lovely high, but those around me, too. Do I ask them if they'd like to pay for my addiction?
I wonder what my life would have been like if I would have been motivated to do something about this earlier. Wondering about the past. Oh....not very zen.
Multitasking, the opposite of mindful work, is almost irresistible when under the influence of the disinhibiting caffeine. Multitasking stimulates adrenaline, a step up from caffeine as a stress-maker. The high from both multitasking and adrenaline are life-long addictions for me. Great fun while they last, but mindfulness killers which lead to reactivity and irritability. So eventually it is not just me that pays for my lovely high, but those around me, too. Do I ask them if they'd like to pay for my addiction?
I wonder what my life would have been like if I would have been motivated to do something about this earlier. Wondering about the past. Oh....not very zen.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Papa Was the Jiki!
We went to meditation tonight. Roshi didn't show up, and it wasn't until we had been sitting for ten minutes that I realized the jiki (timekeeper) wasn't going to show up either. We sat and sat, waiting, but there was no one to ring the bell. Papa, always the captain, took charge of the situation. He walked to the jiki's empty zabuton, picked up the timer, bell and clackers, and led the session.
There isn't a Zen bone in his body, but he comes with me to the Zendo every week, and being very observant, he knew exactly what to do. He even led the walking meditation (kinhin). Is there anything that man can't do?
A Pot of Stew!
1. Our new church is getting another Vicar because it is not growing and cannot pay the bills. Drama. Contemplative spirituality is not a good seller, apparently. Well, at least we had the sweet experience of a church without entertainment. Just a quiet celebration of the Eucharist every Sunday, and a wonderful, humbly delivered sermon. No consumer Christianity, just two or more gathered in His name. We'll try to stay with the church, though skeptical of what is to come.
2. The Democratic Party will now implode. Two strong candidates may be one too many. The strident bickering to come will make a bad showing in comparison to a single staid voice from the opposition. Dare I hope that the cunning crone will sharpen the skills of that bright young wolf, helping him bring forth an actual plan, and that in the process they will not discredit one another to the detriment of their party? We will all be very tired of it before the process is done, but this process is the brilliance of our political system.
3. Disgusting and infuriating encounters with our medical care system trying to schedule a follow-up CAT scan re possible abdominal surgery is demoralizing me.
4. A great spurt of clay work in the midst of all this. I love those moments when my hands and the clay are the single thing in the universe. The sun that warms is reviving me, and I have had a vigorous week of work in the studio. I am leaning over a robust and heady pot of stew. Formidable and tough to chew, but satisfying on the whole. I might have something to say to Roshi after all.
2. The Democratic Party will now implode. Two strong candidates may be one too many. The strident bickering to come will make a bad showing in comparison to a single staid voice from the opposition. Dare I hope that the cunning crone will sharpen the skills of that bright young wolf, helping him bring forth an actual plan, and that in the process they will not discredit one another to the detriment of their party? We will all be very tired of it before the process is done, but this process is the brilliance of our political system.
3. Disgusting and infuriating encounters with our medical care system trying to schedule a follow-up CAT scan re possible abdominal surgery is demoralizing me.
4. A great spurt of clay work in the midst of all this. I love those moments when my hands and the clay are the single thing in the universe. The sun that warms is reviving me, and I have had a vigorous week of work in the studio. I am leaning over a robust and heady pot of stew. Formidable and tough to chew, but satisfying on the whole. I might have something to say to Roshi after all.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Nothing to Say
I haven't been to Thursday night meditation since my silent retreat. I have nothing to say to Roshi, and don't quite have the energy to go over there and tell him I have nothing to say. Have never done that, though we are advised to do so.
Am also holding my breath lest the demon of contempt arise again now that I am visiting a church so I can have communion every Sunday. The demon wants to arise because the wonderful Vicar is leaving, and I have a pretty good idea why, and what will follow.
It seems impossible to attend church without attachment. And I cannot motivate myself to meditation without attachment. I feel back to square one today.
Am also holding my breath lest the demon of contempt arise again now that I am visiting a church so I can have communion every Sunday. The demon wants to arise because the wonderful Vicar is leaving, and I have a pretty good idea why, and what will follow.
It seems impossible to attend church without attachment. And I cannot motivate myself to meditation without attachment. I feel back to square one today.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Blogging a Spiritual Discipline?
Preparing to share my experiences with blogging as a spiritual discipline/practice, I surfed for some definitions. One amused me. It said (effectively): "A habit that encourages spirituality and replaces a bad habit." I laughed. Yes, I'll have to say that daily blog posting, which can take a half an hour or more by the time I contemplate, write, and rewrite, has replaced some sappier activities in my day.
I measure a "spiritual discipline" by the outcome in my life. If it is transformative in a manner that is evident to me, resulting in a more patient, mindful, and loving self, then I am willing to call it a spiritual discipline. Does it need to increase my knowledge of God and God's will? I am with Thomas Merton on that question. I have no idea what God's will is, and I am fully capable of fooling myself about it. All I know is to spend time seeking.
The other test: does it meet the criteria of an "organic" practice, as Peter Tran described. Is it as organic as eating, sleeping, reading the newspaper? Does it orient me toward God regularly and often, the way the five daily prostrations orient the muslim toward Mecca? Since my Apple has become organic to my life, it is the perfect vehicle for an organic spiritual practice.
I measure a "spiritual discipline" by the outcome in my life. If it is transformative in a manner that is evident to me, resulting in a more patient, mindful, and loving self, then I am willing to call it a spiritual discipline. Does it need to increase my knowledge of God and God's will? I am with Thomas Merton on that question. I have no idea what God's will is, and I am fully capable of fooling myself about it. All I know is to spend time seeking.
The other test: does it meet the criteria of an "organic" practice, as Peter Tran described. Is it as organic as eating, sleeping, reading the newspaper? Does it orient me toward God regularly and often, the way the five daily prostrations orient the muslim toward Mecca? Since my Apple has become organic to my life, it is the perfect vehicle for an organic spiritual practice.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Where is Mu?
Yesterday whirred by my car window as I drove from place to place. I learned how to use my computer to be the ultimate monk who talks to himself by making a voice CD, complete with background music, of anything I want to hear me or anyone else say: an exercise routine (my original goal), meditation timing, inspiration and affirmation. To this I can add Pearl Jam or the Carthusian Monks chanting, fading them in and out at will, layering the sound if I want. I was amused, to say the least, at the possible.
The day started at 5:30am; involuntary sleep ended it at 8:50pm. No mindful moment that I could recall in this day. I didn't see mu. The day was a spiritual void, though very productive by worldly standards. No regrets, just an observation. Oh....... there's mu!
The day started at 5:30am; involuntary sleep ended it at 8:50pm. No mindful moment that I could recall in this day. I didn't see mu. The day was a spiritual void, though very productive by worldly standards. No regrets, just an observation. Oh....... there's mu!
