Papa Was the Jiki!

We went to meditation tonight. Roshi didn't show up, and it wasn't until we had been sitting for ten minutes that I realized the jiki (timekeeper) wasn't going to show up either. We sat and sat, waiting, but there was no one to ring the bell. Papa, always the captain, took charge of the situation. He walked to the jiki's empty zabuton, picked up the timer, bell and clackers, and led the session.

There isn't a Zen bone in his body, but he comes with me to the Zendo every week, and being very observant, he knew exactly what to do. He even led the walking meditation (kinhin). Is there anything that man can't do?

Many Names for the Experience

As I look back at my blogging, I see that I have been using the rubric of Zen(ish) Buddhism to describe to myself many of my recent spiritual experiences, practices , and worldviews (illusions though they may be). This rubric reflects my recent reading material. It could also reflect my current choice of discussion mates, but it doesn't because in Zen we don't talk much.

After experiencing the presence of Fr. Laurence Freeman last night, I realize that to join Christian companions in mystical experiences will be a matter of learning a new language for the same set of experiences I have been having in Zen.

In Zen, to radically accept the impermanence of all things is to relieve oneself of the pain involved in clinging to anything, since change is inevitable. The sitting practice is just that- practice in non-clinging.

In the Benedictine Rule, "conversion" means having a constantly open heart to hear and respond to the Call, which changes with circumstances, personal and spiritual maturity, etc. It means to be converted endlessly from living in the ways of the world to living in the ways of God.

"Obedience" results in relinquishing clinging- for to obey is to override the wants of the ego self. So it will go, I see. What emerges is the truth in Fr. Laurence's statement, that this spiritual seeking is an archetypical experience. It is core to our humanity as evidenced by its eternal re-appearance in our various ideologies and practices. This is a message of great hope to me, as I had turned to worldly silence as the last resort for this part of me which will not be silenced within my spirit.

A Resilient Biology

"Building a resilient biology," is Marsha Linehan's reference to self-care that prepares one to weather emotional storms. Marsha hosted the Mindfulness Retreat I attended last week, and is the author of many books on mindfulness-based cognitive therapy.

In Zen, we practice focused attention, a difficult skill which opens the door to understanding the true nature of our existence (and for some, spiritual insight). Emotional storms disrupt attention, alright. I knew this.

But I love Marsha's turn of phrase "a resilient biology," for it differentiates from a brittle or reactive biological state, which in my experience does not support consciousness and presence. What creates a resilient biology? Excellent nutrition, adequate sleep, exercise, fresh air, and refraining from harmful substances, of course. It's the zen of taking care of yourself. This brings renewed purpose to my efforts at healthy living. It invites me to practice like Dogen's tenzo (the monastery cook), by giving focused attention to meals and meal preparation.

Beautiful Moments at the Zendo

Frost sticking to our socks as we walked our morning kinhin on wooden planks around the zen garden.

An orange tree, glossy green-leaved, with one single orange remaining.

The perfect chair, old and oaken, found at a second hand store. It holds my back straight, keeps my legs at the right angle, resulting in four consequetive days of almost no pain.

My first experience raking the zen garden.

Walking down from a tall hillside, seeing a cliff face of petroglyphs on the right, two hot air balloons floating silently on the left, city lights remaining from the previous night spread all across the valley below, and the dark purple mountains arising behind.

A beam of light from the oil lamp, streaming across the room from the flame to me, visible only because of the tears in my eyes.

Our ears, finely tuned by silence, hear the deep vibrations of the zendo bell as it is rung at closing, forcefully and long.

Wherever You Go, There You Are

(Post title borrowed from a book by Jon Kabat-Zin)

Two subjects: My upcoming visit to a new church, and my recent purges.

I can't wait to walk into a new church this Sunday with a new set of expectations. Then I will find out if the assortment of phonies, bigots, consumer Christians, and the offensive "Jesus Show" was really, after all, me. The target is mu. There is no difference between me and the target, and it will be through mastery of my own movement that I will create relationship with the Divine in a community setting. I am not skilled at this.

The Zen books are in paper bags at the doorway waiting a convenient trip down to the Zendo. I have read and assimilated them, and now they are an obstacle to my practice. I have not given up listening to the Chicago Zen Center, where the teacher is very articulate (Is this the "Zen Show?"). BUT, that is the extent of my current intellectual wanking with Zen.

I tried to tell Roshi about my recent in vitro enlightenments, but it was too late. The moments had passed. I could not recount them adequately, though he did acknowledge that I had seen the one side of mu- emptiness. So what the hell is the other side??

This weekend Jada (my long-time art bud and teacher) will come with her truck and strong back to divest me of much of my pottery crap, moving it to a new art center in which she is teaching. This will hurt, but it must be done.

Wherever I go, there will be a new, lighter (emptier) me. And this intention MUST be accompanied by action, because thoughts of whether and how to do this have themselves become burdensome.

Shooting at Buddha

This week Yukari enlightened me greatly on the subject of mu. Mu, like most Japanese words, suffers in translation for lack of cultural context in Western language. However, my sits with mu have cracked the door a bit, and Yukari opened it a little wider this week.

I watched Yukari perform her black belt Kyudo (archery) forms. She evidenced the inward focus of mindful action. Later she told me that the target of Kyudo is mu. In other words, the target does not exist as an entity in the discipline. The target is nothing!

AHA!!! That puts the entire event in the body and mind of the archer. The target is not separate from the action. The archer practices the physical act of shooting the arrow with so much mindfulness, that eventually the arrow and the target become one, not through an intentional action which has an object, but through minutely subtle experience with the bow and arrow with the result that the arrow enters the target.

After 30+/- years, I finally get the whole idea presented in the book, ZEN IN THE ART OF ARCHERY. My appreciation of mu is expanded. Cannot wait to tell Roshi about this. Chao-chou says "mu" to the monk who is still shooting at Buddha as if at a target.

No "As if's"- I get it!!!!!

Now I get Roshi's comment: "There are no 'as if's' in this business." What is perceived must be the experience. "As if" is the result of a mental procedure- therefore an illusion. Can't wait to submit this. But must wait- almost a month. Darn.

Dog Chew for Intellectual Wankers

Now I know what koan practice is! It is a nice rawhide chew for intellectual wankers such as myself. This practice is going much better for me than breath meditation. My mind can sit for hours and hours, gnawing away at the koan, just like Foxy the chihuahua, who if not so occupied, would be idling all around the house, looking for trouble.

The aurora borealis of thoughts that occur around the koan are shimmering and ephemeral. And, an intrusive thought from my brutish daily life stands out like a stray among AKC's. So much the easier to abandon on sight.

I hardly dared to say this, knowing that not all sits ahead will be as glowing as the one I had last night.

Caution from Roshi: "There are no "as if's" in this business." I must remember this. I have no idea what he meant.

Why I'm Glad I am 60 (Click Here)

Embedded in the title is the link to an article that adds to my joy at living unencumbered by the biological imperatives of childrearing and wage-earning in 2007. Imagine buying in to any of these social networks! Talk about the Emperor's New Clothes!!!!

The article is both funny and terrifying. The youngblood writing it has a very entertaining style and a devilish command of the vernacular. Laugh or shudder as you will.

Oh, and the article goes a long way in explaining the growing attraction to Zen Buddhism in the U.S. In the ancient Orient, monks shaved their heads upon entering the monastery as a way of giving up external clues referencing the social networks of the day. Perhaps today's budding Buddhists are taking a similar stance. (Though in my case, the initial attraction was respite from incessant noise- verbal and otherwise).

This post does no service whatsoever to the beautiful and spiritually rich day I had with my cousin and sister at the Pink Ribbon Spa. The memories of the day are sparkling and untouched by the ludicrousness of popular culture ala consumerism.

No More Zen Podcasts

Have decided to stop listening to zen podcasts and reading zen books. Have been listening and reading intensely for two years now. It was not lost time, not at all. New ideas always open new doors for me. But now I see that the real stuff of zen is the sitting.

Two things influence this: First, someone said recently that unless a practice (he was not referring to zen meditation, but to prayer) is ORGANIC to your life, as interwoven with your day as eating, sleeping, bathing, it can scarce transform you. I have experienced this to be true.

Second, I experienced a huge paradigm shift during recent koan practice. Now I see that the reading, though it fills my mind with neat ideas (a lot better than some of the crappy ones that lurk there), it does not result in organic transformation. To wit, ideas are so easily forgotten in the flow of action, due to busyness, tiredness, caffeine, feelings of the moment, etc. etc.

Will I stop blogging about zen? Not now, for this monk needs to call himself to awareness. For me, the diarying is discipline, and is very organic to my life after only a few short months. The ideas I write are transient and as empty as the ideas I read or hear, but the practice of reflection is not.

Roshi challenged me to experience mu during my daily life. I am saying mu to the podcasts and the books.

The family that plays together, stays together

Discussion with fellow elders about our childrens' "birthright:"

In our consumerist, and familially fragmented culture, we do not bestow birthright financially as in days past when the children gave the work of their lives to the family estate. Today, their birthright has more to do with identity.

Identity is a very necessary commodity in a culture where staying sane is a full-time, fully demanding job in and of itself. The survival benefit of family membership today is not acreage, but identity: belonging.

In our family, much intention and financial resource is invested in providing emotional "home," in the form of rest, play, and wherever possible, community industry. The hope is that family identity will give the younger ones shelter against existential angst, which is as much a threat to survival as starvation was in a time of less material plenty.

Is this really zen? Hmmmm. The identity of which I speak is ego-based. However, it is my observation that enlightenment arises late in the journey of a well-traveled ego. The Buddha's for example.

Lack of Wanderlust

I am having a familiar experience today. Have surfed the web many hours trying to find a place to stay while exploring the Big Island on a family trip. With cost as no object, I cannot find any place I would rather be than where I am right now, or where I will be next week.

Hungry for adventure in my youth, I went everywhere and did everything. I was the very antithesis of satisfied-definitely NOT zen. I've turned over all the rocks! The blessing of that is lack of desire now. Herein lies a big conundrum: Can we get to enlightenment/revelation without the desire/suffering that led us to seek it? The Buddha did not. So where in the practice/process is the doctrine of knocking your head against the wall? Is religion always an antidote? Can faith arise without trial?

I am grateful for not wanting to be somewhere else. I am, however, not free of wanting to pursue the spiritual conundrums. This is my life- faith, doubt, perseverance.