As I look back at my blogging, I see that I have been using the rubric of Zen(ish) Buddhism to describe to myself many of my recent spiritual experiences, practices , and worldviews (illusions though they may be). This rubric reflects my recent reading material. It could also reflect my current choice of discussion mates, but it doesn't because in Zen we don't talk much.
After experiencing the presence of Fr. Laurence Freeman last night, I realize that to join Christian companions in mystical experiences will be a matter of learning a new language for the same set of experiences I have been having in Zen.
In Zen, to radically accept the impermanence of all things is to relieve oneself of the pain involved in clinging to anything, since change is inevitable. The sitting practice is just that- practice in non-clinging.
In the Benedictine Rule, "conversion" means having a constantly open heart to hear and respond to the Call, which changes with circumstances, personal and spiritual maturity, etc. It means to be converted endlessly from living in the ways of the world to living in the ways of God.
"Obedience" results in relinquishing clinging- for to obey is to override the wants of the ego self. So it will go, I see. What emerges is the truth in Fr. Laurence's statement, that this spiritual seeking is an archetypical experience. It is core to our humanity as evidenced by its eternal re-appearance in our various ideologies and practices. This is a message of great hope to me, as I had turned to worldly silence as the last resort for this part of me which will not be silenced within my spirit.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Obedience, Stability, Conversion
HUGE day. 5:15 am- arise; 7:30 am- board plane; 12 noon- land and drive home; 1:30 grocery shop; 2:30 cook a week's meals; 4:30 hour and a half long-distance family crisis with drama (cont. from earlier this week); 6:30 attend talk at church by Fr. Laurence Freeman, very celebrated author in Christian meditation. Don't know how I did it.
Fr. Freeman's talk was on the Benedictine Rule (the rules of life in a Benedictine Monastery). Very, very inspiring. Will capture some key words, and then write more tomorrow. Brain full tonight.
1.This post title- the three pillars of The Benedictine Rule. The big AHA! was conversion in Christianity=impermanence in Buddhism, according to the Dalai Lama. Wow! This needs a whole blog entry. Several.
2. A must-see movie recommendation, INTO GREAT SILENCE. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sgNj2Sf_mgo
3. The significance of being called to prayer by bells many times during the day: it is inconvenient having to drop everything, but it actualizes your priorities.
4. Small monastic living communities are part of the monastic set-up. Outside the monastery, Freeman says that 7-10 is ideal for a meditation group. More gets chaotic, less is too intense.
5. The meaning of archetype as applied to "the monk." Even as monasteries dwindle in number and size, the contemplative movement (like the diaspora I must add, ref. Jeremiah) continues on because the archetype exists independently of culture within the human spirit and cannot be extinguished. What a powerful thought.
Much to ponder. We left early- tired, but also completely satisfied with the talk, and not seeking any more in the discussion which was to follow. I have taken to doing that recently- savoring a limited amount of content and not getting stuffed and uncomfortable. It can happen with your brain just as with your stomach.
Fr. Freeman's talk was on the Benedictine Rule (the rules of life in a Benedictine Monastery). Very, very inspiring. Will capture some key words, and then write more tomorrow. Brain full tonight.
1.This post title- the three pillars of The Benedictine Rule. The big AHA! was conversion in Christianity=impermanence in Buddhism, according to the Dalai Lama. Wow! This needs a whole blog entry. Several.
2. A must-see movie recommendation, INTO GREAT SILENCE. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sgNj2Sf_mgo
3. The significance of being called to prayer by bells many times during the day: it is inconvenient having to drop everything, but it actualizes your priorities.
4. Small monastic living communities are part of the monastic set-up. Outside the monastery, Freeman says that 7-10 is ideal for a meditation group. More gets chaotic, less is too intense.
5. The meaning of archetype as applied to "the monk." Even as monasteries dwindle in number and size, the contemplative movement (like the diaspora I must add, ref. Jeremiah) continues on because the archetype exists independently of culture within the human spirit and cannot be extinguished. What a powerful thought.
Much to ponder. We left early- tired, but also completely satisfied with the talk, and not seeking any more in the discussion which was to follow. I have taken to doing that recently- savoring a limited amount of content and not getting stuffed and uncomfortable. It can happen with your brain just as with your stomach.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Efforts and Priorities
Getting ready to fly home after a hectic but satisfying visit with kids and grandkids. Gratitude abounds for the merciful weather and our very commodious rental house. Sweetest moment: chicken soup lovingly prepared for us with dietary needs in mind.
I am continuing to ponder keeping my efforts in line with my priorities. One of Roshi's first talks always echoes in my mind- "Do not work for your [busy, chaotic] brain; with discipline, your brain works for you.
It is a struggle to stay out of reactive mode when surrounded by busy-ness. What are my priorities? Nurture a resilient biology (1), maintain a spiritual center (2), so I can give energy to family relationships (3), and participate as it is possible in my immediate community (4).
When we arrive home we face a big new set of demands on our time, a parent with dementia. We must analyze how we are spending our time in light of our priorities, and will possibly have to set a few precedents as a consequence, such as hiring assistance. Also for me, more discipline about mindfulness. It's that or drugs, and I'm still choosing awareness over the drugs whenever it is possible.
Where is mu? I am swimming in it.
I am continuing to ponder keeping my efforts in line with my priorities. One of Roshi's first talks always echoes in my mind- "Do not work for your [busy, chaotic] brain; with discipline, your brain works for you.
It is a struggle to stay out of reactive mode when surrounded by busy-ness. What are my priorities? Nurture a resilient biology (1), maintain a spiritual center (2), so I can give energy to family relationships (3), and participate as it is possible in my immediate community (4).
When we arrive home we face a big new set of demands on our time, a parent with dementia. We must analyze how we are spending our time in light of our priorities, and will possibly have to set a few precedents as a consequence, such as hiring assistance. Also for me, more discipline about mindfulness. It's that or drugs, and I'm still choosing awareness over the drugs whenever it is possible.
Where is mu? I am swimming in it.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Priorities
Yesterday day moved forward at a noticeable cadence- the events as pages turning. A relaxing morning watching a ponderous documentary about a small town's National Guard unit being deployed in Iraq. The beautiful sunny day seduced us. A trip out of the house to try a new restaurant. A period of packing and organization for our upcoming travel. A phone call to a family member to catch up on significant events in her life and mine. A distress call from another family member requiring action.
We had planned to attend an event about contemplative prayer and meditation in the evening, but the day had taken all I had to give. To add one more event would have put me on a deficit, so I refrained. I am grateful for the presence of mind to make this decision, and make my efforts match my priorities. Today I am rested and ready to travel.
We had planned to attend an event about contemplative prayer and meditation in the evening, but the day had taken all I had to give. To add one more event would have put me on a deficit, so I refrained. I am grateful for the presence of mind to make this decision, and make my efforts match my priorities. Today I am rested and ready to travel.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Beautiful Prayer
Learned this on Sunday from the Book of Common Prayer- a Complines (end of the day) prayer. Ever more appreciative of such practice:
"Be present, Oh merciful God, and protect us through the hours of this night so that we who are wearied by the changes and chances of this life may rest in your eternal changelessness, through Jesus Christ, our Lord. "
I add: We pray in Jesus' name because our house believes upon Jesus, but this beautiful prayer could be made in the name of any manifestation of the One.
"Be present, Oh merciful God, and protect us through the hours of this night so that we who are wearied by the changes and chances of this life may rest in your eternal changelessness, through Jesus Christ, our Lord. "
I add: We pray in Jesus' name because our house believes upon Jesus, but this beautiful prayer could be made in the name of any manifestation of the One.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Focused Negative Attention
Home Depot saw the last of my business today, a fact which I expressed to the manager with a great deal of focused attention, and a serious lack of lovingkindness.
The second to the last transaction I had with Home Depot came only days ago, when I discovered that they have outsourced their carpet measuring services to a nationwide company based in Minneapolis. So on the third missed measure appointment, one discusses the problem with a person in Minneapolis who does not work for Home Depot, and with whom one will never speak again, because there are many such persons. Also, these persons are trained to blame the problem on Home Depot's salesperson, for whom they bear no responsibility. Likewise, the salesperson is trained blame the problem on the carpet measuring company in Minneapolis. A person living life entirely in the "now" who is trying to carpet a room could spend eternity in this feedback loop.
I am now doing business with a local company, where any future problems will be discussed with a person I have actually met face-to-face. The karmic sequence will probably not influence Home Depot to become a better place to shop during my remaining life expectancy, so I have moved one step further toward being a "locovore" in as much of my consuming as possible.
The second to the last transaction I had with Home Depot came only days ago, when I discovered that they have outsourced their carpet measuring services to a nationwide company based in Minneapolis. So on the third missed measure appointment, one discusses the problem with a person in Minneapolis who does not work for Home Depot, and with whom one will never speak again, because there are many such persons. Also, these persons are trained to blame the problem on Home Depot's salesperson, for whom they bear no responsibility. Likewise, the salesperson is trained blame the problem on the carpet measuring company in Minneapolis. A person living life entirely in the "now" who is trying to carpet a room could spend eternity in this feedback loop.
I am now doing business with a local company, where any future problems will be discussed with a person I have actually met face-to-face. The karmic sequence will probably not influence Home Depot to become a better place to shop during my remaining life expectancy, so I have moved one step further toward being a "locovore" in as much of my consuming as possible.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Just Leaves
Much more mu today: a very slow haircut, mindless work done mindfully at the retreat center (filing, etc.), a sunny drive with a friend to bring our other friend (recovering from the flu) some Jewish mother chicken soup and an applesauce cake.
Mu moment: clearing leaves from under the orange tree by hand. I noticed everything from crisp green leaves to wispy skeletons. No poetry, no interpretations, no similes or metaphors, just leaves. This is hard work for me.
Mu moment: clearing leaves from under the orange tree by hand. I noticed everything from crisp green leaves to wispy skeletons. No poetry, no interpretations, no similes or metaphors, just leaves. This is hard work for me.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Puppy Lips
I am daydreaming about fostering an abandoned mother dog and her litter. I have two totally selfish reasons for this dream. First, it would be more fun than I can even stand to imagine, having a houseful of puppies when my grandsons are here in April.
Second, there are very few things in the world softer and sweeter to touch than puppy lips.
Second, there are very few things in the world softer and sweeter to touch than puppy lips.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
NOT really Zen
After my retreat, I realized I need to actually plan a few more mindful activities in the day- a form of practice. Gardening!, I thought, since I love to do it and need to do it anyway. I'll just be more intentional about doing it mindfully.
Day 1- I prune carefully, and then handpick dead leaves one by one. Very mindful.
Day 2- I get out the Round-up and spray weeds, carefully- one at a time.
Mindfully poisoning the planet and killing beings, one at a time. I have a long way to go.
Day 1- I prune carefully, and then handpick dead leaves one by one. Very mindful.
Day 2- I get out the Round-up and spray weeds, carefully- one at a time.
Mindfully poisoning the planet and killing beings, one at a time. I have a long way to go.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
A Resilient Biology
"Building a resilient biology," is Marsha Linehan's reference to self-care that prepares one to weather emotional storms. Marsha hosted the Mindfulness Retreat I attended last week, and is the author of many books on mindfulness-based cognitive therapy.
In Zen, we practice focused attention, a difficult skill which opens the door to understanding the true nature of our existence (and for some, spiritual insight). Emotional storms disrupt attention, alright. I knew this.
But I love Marsha's turn of phrase "a resilient biology," for it differentiates from a brittle or reactive biological state, which in my experience does not support consciousness and presence. What creates a resilient biology? Excellent nutrition, adequate sleep, exercise, fresh air, and refraining from harmful substances, of course. It's the zen of taking care of yourself. This brings renewed purpose to my efforts at healthy living. It invites me to practice like Dogen's tenzo (the monastery cook), by giving focused attention to meals and meal preparation.
In Zen, we practice focused attention, a difficult skill which opens the door to understanding the true nature of our existence (and for some, spiritual insight). Emotional storms disrupt attention, alright. I knew this.
But I love Marsha's turn of phrase "a resilient biology," for it differentiates from a brittle or reactive biological state, which in my experience does not support consciousness and presence. What creates a resilient biology? Excellent nutrition, adequate sleep, exercise, fresh air, and refraining from harmful substances, of course. It's the zen of taking care of yourself. This brings renewed purpose to my efforts at healthy living. It invites me to practice like Dogen's tenzo (the monastery cook), by giving focused attention to meals and meal preparation.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Watching the Process
Watched the continuing primaries. Speeches: Hil rolls up her sleeves and rolls out a few elements of an actual plan; Obama continues to wax poetic, effectively, and I hope he starts to sketch out a plan soon, as well. McCain continues a defensive posture (well, I guess to conserve is by it's nature defensive), and tries for some poetry of his own.
At my age, I've seen it all before. Interesting, though. I see subsets of primary voters. The politically active: caucusees, players, chits being called, and on down the line. Then there is the less involved public which relies on incidental characteristics such as gender, skin color, etc. and illusions created in the media, or things like who your friend voted for. It is a vibrant process, to be sure, one which evidences the termite mound that we are as a species.
With some detachment and far less cynicism, I am enjoying it. Learning a lot as I go, for in the past, I will confess to being much more of the latter type of voter than the former. I will savor the energy before it all goes negative. At my age I've seen that, too.
At my age, I've seen it all before. Interesting, though. I see subsets of primary voters. The politically active: caucusees, players, chits being called, and on down the line. Then there is the less involved public which relies on incidental characteristics such as gender, skin color, etc. and illusions created in the media, or things like who your friend voted for. It is a vibrant process, to be sure, one which evidences the termite mound that we are as a species.
With some detachment and far less cynicism, I am enjoying it. Learning a lot as I go, for in the past, I will confess to being much more of the latter type of voter than the former. I will savor the energy before it all goes negative. At my age I've seen that, too.
Love is a Decision
"Love is a decision, not a feeling."
I can see that it is good to let the clock and the calendar make the decision to spend time and activity together in order to stay connected in a relationship. Mood, tiredness, busyness, impulsiveness, basic incompatibility due to being individuals with different interests- these kinds of things get in the way of the intention to spend time together.
In our case, we have a better shot at it if we plan ahead in a clear moment, and then rely on the calendar, the clock, and whatever self-discipline we can muster. How are we doing? Not very well. We need a tune-up.
I can see that it is good to let the clock and the calendar make the decision to spend time and activity together in order to stay connected in a relationship. Mood, tiredness, busyness, impulsiveness, basic incompatibility due to being individuals with different interests- these kinds of things get in the way of the intention to spend time together.
In our case, we have a better shot at it if we plan ahead in a clear moment, and then rely on the calendar, the clock, and whatever self-discipline we can muster. How are we doing? Not very well. We need a tune-up.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Beautiful Moments at the Zendo
Frost sticking to our socks as we walked our morning kinhin on wooden planks around the zen garden.
An orange tree, glossy green-leaved, with one single orange remaining.
The perfect chair, old and oaken, found at a second hand store. It holds my back straight, keeps my legs at the right angle, resulting in four consequetive days of almost no pain.
My first experience raking the zen garden.
Walking down from a tall hillside, seeing a cliff face of petroglyphs on the right, two hot air balloons floating silently on the left, city lights remaining from the previous night spread all across the valley below, and the dark purple mountains arising behind.
A beam of light from the oil lamp, streaming across the room from the flame to me, visible only because of the tears in my eyes.
Our ears, finely tuned by silence, hear the deep vibrations of the zendo bell as it is rung at closing, forcefully and long.
An orange tree, glossy green-leaved, with one single orange remaining.
The perfect chair, old and oaken, found at a second hand store. It holds my back straight, keeps my legs at the right angle, resulting in four consequetive days of almost no pain.
My first experience raking the zen garden.
Walking down from a tall hillside, seeing a cliff face of petroglyphs on the right, two hot air balloons floating silently on the left, city lights remaining from the previous night spread all across the valley below, and the dark purple mountains arising behind.
A beam of light from the oil lamp, streaming across the room from the flame to me, visible only because of the tears in my eyes.
Our ears, finely tuned by silence, hear the deep vibrations of the zendo bell as it is rung at closing, forcefully and long.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Blog as Spiritual Discipline
I talked to Liz Simmons, vicar at Episcopal Church of the Apostles today about blogging as a spiritual discipline. We decided to do an adult Sunday school class together on the topic since she has been blogging too.
It is the perfect topic for Lent, the tradition in which one is invited to journey inward in a variety of ways. Blogging has been a good path inward for me. It is now a habit, and a discipline yielding several kinds of experience:
1. Being present to the kinds of things that show up here- things I have noticed, emotional and physical experiences, and thoughts about them.
2. Practice at saying exactly what I mean to say. I try to avoid sloppy writing, which means I edit out a lot. I learn by doing this.
3. Sharing myself with others, but only with those who voluntarily partake.
4. Occasionally having to come up with some courage in order to hit the "publish" button because I know that there are those who do partake once in a while, and I am by no means free of my ego.
5. A record of thought patterns which allows me to be an observer of my own thoughts, similarly to meditation.
6. Keeping my vocabulary intact while the rest of me is not.
I'll probably think of more.
All of these things have made blogging a transformative spiritual discipline for me. I look forward to telling others about it.
It is the perfect topic for Lent, the tradition in which one is invited to journey inward in a variety of ways. Blogging has been a good path inward for me. It is now a habit, and a discipline yielding several kinds of experience:
1. Being present to the kinds of things that show up here- things I have noticed, emotional and physical experiences, and thoughts about them.
2. Practice at saying exactly what I mean to say. I try to avoid sloppy writing, which means I edit out a lot. I learn by doing this.
3. Sharing myself with others, but only with those who voluntarily partake.
4. Occasionally having to come up with some courage in order to hit the "publish" button because I know that there are those who do partake once in a while, and I am by no means free of my ego.
5. A record of thought patterns which allows me to be an observer of my own thoughts, similarly to meditation.
6. Keeping my vocabulary intact while the rest of me is not.
I'll probably think of more.
All of these things have made blogging a transformative spiritual discipline for me. I look forward to telling others about it.
Monday, February 4, 2008
A Winter Treat
I started the day grumbling at the cold, but got the winter treat that only Tucson has ever shown me. When a wet Pacific storm passes through, and the temperature hovers just above freezing down here in the valley, a magical thing happens in the mountains which are so very close by.
The dark storm cloud passes over, and while it rains (or sometimes even spits snow), we cannot see the mountain peaks. Then as soon as the cloud is gone, those mountains appear all covered with bright white snow just above the five or six thousand feet line. It happens so suddenly, and so dramatically.
To see that process happen on such a huge scale affects me so much more than seeing it happen around the house, or out on the street. It puts things in their place, and takes the bite out of the cold.
The dark storm cloud passes over, and while it rains (or sometimes even spits snow), we cannot see the mountain peaks. Then as soon as the cloud is gone, those mountains appear all covered with bright white snow just above the five or six thousand feet line. It happens so suddenly, and so dramatically.
To see that process happen on such a huge scale affects me so much more than seeing it happen around the house, or out on the street. It puts things in their place, and takes the bite out of the cold.
Scenarios
Winter has made me weary. I find I am thinking in scenarios. Today I will focus on just being in the experience of the moment, and not tie up my brain cells with scenarios. I will eat breakfast mindfully, go to work in my studio, visit my friend and her grandchild, go to my computer lesson, take my afternoon break. I will take note when I slip into scenario thinking, and when I do, I will bring my attention back to the moment. That is my intention for today.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Guilt Glitch
I waited days before asking to be placed in a more comfortable sleeping room during the upcoming mindfulness retreat. I don't know why I am so embarrassed about wanting the extra comfort. I barely make it through these long sits. Without a firm bed, quiet, warmth, and a hot bath (all of which = sleep), back pain will overtake my best effort to meditate.
The stronger medications make me sleepy- a deadly state in the dark and silent zendo. Laying down creates a ruckus, plus everyone else is hurting, too. We all set aside creature comfort in the zendo during these days of meditation. It helps us leave behind our worldly realities, and enter more spiritual ones. We support each other by sticking with it.
Carmen was so understanding, and said that she gets requests like this all the time. I know that. So why am I having such a guilt glitch? (pick one) A) I am ashamed of my weakness, B) I am ashamed of pampering myself, C) I think I have no business even being in this retreat with strong youngbloods, D) I live on the edge of doubt all the time anyway. It's what I do.
I have NO doubt about the good that comes from these retreats. What would my life be like if I had never begun this practice? I know exactly what Roshi would say if I asked him this. "Is all that doubt getting you anywhere?" and "Go sit with that."
The stronger medications make me sleepy- a deadly state in the dark and silent zendo. Laying down creates a ruckus, plus everyone else is hurting, too. We all set aside creature comfort in the zendo during these days of meditation. It helps us leave behind our worldly realities, and enter more spiritual ones. We support each other by sticking with it.
Carmen was so understanding, and said that she gets requests like this all the time. I know that. So why am I having such a guilt glitch? (pick one) A) I am ashamed of my weakness, B) I am ashamed of pampering myself, C) I think I have no business even being in this retreat with strong youngbloods, D) I live on the edge of doubt all the time anyway. It's what I do.
I have NO doubt about the good that comes from these retreats. What would my life be like if I had never begun this practice? I know exactly what Roshi would say if I asked him this. "Is all that doubt getting you anywhere?" and "Go sit with that."
Friday, February 1, 2008
Ready to Just Be
Back from a brief dalliance with the political. More emptying experiences.
I experienced a huge emotional outburst recently, which I have only today awakened to see as yet another emptying event. In it I spewed all of the things in my life that have made me angry for the last several years. It embarrassed the hell out of me because it was a moment of no self control. I thought it was just the result of a drug side effect, but today I have a new perspective on it.
I have been holding these things inside, trying to bargain with the devil to make them go away, trying to deny them. Everything but accept them and move on. It doesn't matter if a drug disinhibited me. The thoughts were there.
Several things have evolved as a result of this big catharsis. First, I see clearly the danger of harboring negative thoughts at all. Second, I feel ready to move on from the state of mind that created these thoughts. Third, I have been humbled by being out of control. Fourth, the thoughts cannot scare me any more, I do not have to hide from them. Fifth, I am experiencing a lightness from having "taken out the trash," and now I have more room in my mind for creative solutions to the problems I was holding onto.
I am getting ready for my four-day silent retreat. This will the first one I attend with no books, tapes, or other words of any kind. Perhaps a needle and thread for mindless handiwork,though my experience is that sleep fills most of the "free time." I feel ready for this. Ready for emptiness. Ready to just be.
I experienced a huge emotional outburst recently, which I have only today awakened to see as yet another emptying event. In it I spewed all of the things in my life that have made me angry for the last several years. It embarrassed the hell out of me because it was a moment of no self control. I thought it was just the result of a drug side effect, but today I have a new perspective on it.
I have been holding these things inside, trying to bargain with the devil to make them go away, trying to deny them. Everything but accept them and move on. It doesn't matter if a drug disinhibited me. The thoughts were there.
Several things have evolved as a result of this big catharsis. First, I see clearly the danger of harboring negative thoughts at all. Second, I feel ready to move on from the state of mind that created these thoughts. Third, I have been humbled by being out of control. Fourth, the thoughts cannot scare me any more, I do not have to hide from them. Fifth, I am experiencing a lightness from having "taken out the trash," and now I have more room in my mind for creative solutions to the problems I was holding onto.
I am getting ready for my four-day silent retreat. This will the first one I attend with no books, tapes, or other words of any kind. Perhaps a needle and thread for mindless handiwork,though my experience is that sleep fills most of the "free time." I feel ready for this. Ready for emptiness. Ready to just be.
