Ready to Just Be

Back from a brief dalliance with the political. More emptying experiences.

I experienced a huge emotional outburst recently, which I have only today awakened to see as yet another emptying event. In it I spewed all of the things in my life that have made me angry for the last several years. It embarrassed the hell out of me because it was a moment of no self control. I thought it was just the result of a drug side effect, but today I have a new perspective on it.

I have been holding these things inside, trying to bargain with the devil to make them go away, trying to deny them. Everything but accept them and move on. It doesn't matter if a drug disinhibited me. The thoughts were there.

Several things have evolved as a result of this big catharsis. First, I see clearly the danger of harboring negative thoughts at all. Second, I feel ready to move on from the state of mind that created these thoughts. Third, I have been humbled by being out of control. Fourth, the thoughts cannot scare me any more, I do not have to hide from them. Fifth, I am experiencing a lightness from having "taken out the trash," and now I have more room in my mind for creative solutions to the problems I was holding onto.

I am getting ready for my four-day silent retreat. This will the first one I attend with no books, tapes, or other words of any kind. Perhaps a needle and thread for mindless handiwork,though my experience is that sleep fills most of the "free time." I feel ready for this. Ready for emptiness. Ready to just be.