A Hell of a Choice

A big decision is hanging over my head. Several months ago, I cleared my body of several medications: hormones, and certain drugs in the pain cocktail. I felt the latter were robbing me of the full spectrum of emotions that are my navigational aids, plus my piddling little bit of organizational ability, distractable as I am.

The hormones are back, that was a no-brainer. The cost/benefit ratio there weighs far in favor of using. I do believe I have outlived my evolutionary life span, and the extra years science has afforded me are much better with hormones on board. It took no time at all to figure that out.

The other drugs are the problem. I am of course now in much more pain, very fatigued, and often addled. Ironically, the fatigue is not relieved by sleep, because I can't sleep long, due to the pain. In this diary, I write about spiritual issues, but there are of course, the physical ones as well. "I am not an animal, but I AM using one for transportation."

I would like to think I am emptying in response to a spiritual call, but the horrible thought has occurred to me that it might be because I have no choice.

Drugged (relative) comfort vs clear-minded suffering. For those of us enduring chronic pain, it's a hell of a choice.