Dark Visions

As I became more enveloped in fatigue last night, I lay in bed experiencing the feeling of sinking into a dark black and dangerous void. I felt like sharks were circling me; that very very real danger was surrounding my bed. What was that?

I thought that this must be how Barbara feels when she is overcome by weakness as her body reacts to its recent assault. Or even when she contemplates her attacker- the cancer. There was no getting rid of the feeling I was having, so I tried to just lean into, breathe into it, as I often do into pain. Peer into it. What is this? What is this?

Then I thought I had better not lean any farther. It seemed like Barbara had been holding on to us to keep from sinking in there, and I better keep one strong arm out of the death place, so we all did not fall in together. I pulled my head up and out of the water and swam for my life. For our lives.

Sleep came and I arose, rested. This morning I made a point to let Barbara know that even though the Pink Ribbon Party had been lots of play, I do truly see what a terrifying and exhausting place she is in right now. It wasn't a cheerful thought, but I felt that it was a necessary one.

As I write, I am not so afraid of either cancer or death , only suffering. I have had the time and inclination to ponder death and my body's demise, and am reconciled with the body's impermanence. But I have to say that I think it would be terrifying to be encountering a cancer battle without someone in my life who truly saw where I was. I hope it was a gift to Barbara. It was to me.